all too surreal

thedailywhat:

Passive-Aggressive Note of the Day: Borders locked up the last of its brick-and-mortar bookstores last Sunday. The above list of gripes — reportedly posted at one of many out-of-business outlets — claims to speak for all Borders employees.

A transcript follows, courtesy of EW’s Shelf Life:

• We hate when a book becomes popular simply because it was turned into a movie.

• It confused us when we were asked where the non-fiction section is.

• Nicholas Sparks is not a good writer … if you like him, fine, but facts are facts.

• We greatly dislike the phrase “Quick question.” It’s never true. And everyone seems to have one.

• Your summer reading list was our summer reading NIGHTMARE. Also, it’s called summer reading, not three days before school starts reading.

• It’s true that we lean to the left and think Glenn Beck is an idiot.

• We always knew when you were intently reading Better Homes and Gardens, it was really a hidden Playboy.

• Most of the time when you returned books you read them already — and we were onto you.

• Limit One Coupon did not mean one for every member of your family — this angered us. Also, we did know what coupons were out.

• It never bothered us when you threatened to shop at Barnes & Noble. We’d rather you do if you’re putting up a stink.

• “I was just here last week and saw this book there” meant nothing to us. The store changed once a week.

• When you walked in and immediately said, “I’m looking for a book,” what you really meant to say is, “I would like you to find me a book.” You never looked. It’s fine, it’s our job — but let’s be correct about what’s really happening here.

• If you don’t know the author, title, or genre, but you do know the color of the cover, we don’t either. How it was our fault that we couldn’t find it we’ll never understand.

• We were never a daycare. Letting your children run free and destroy our section destroyed a piece of our souls.

• Oprah was not the “final say” on what is awesome. We really didn’t care what was on her show or what her latest book club book was. Really.

• When you returned your SAT books, we knew you used them. We thought it wasn’t fair — seeing that we are not a library.

[shelflife / fark.]

I love this. It’s just like the Starbucks Rant songs. ;)